Quote from evamichael on Jan 18, 2013, 12:22pm
Thanks Susan for this outlet my Introvert husband bought this book and really found it useful. Our daughter is 15 and spent last summer in her bedroom for the most part.
I am more of an extrovert and so is my 12 year old son. The stage we are going through is driving me nuts. She was a star in her sport Freshman year in high school and then quit it abruptly after that year when she was getting all this attention from the team for her skill. She could be getting a scholarship to a very good school she is that good. She just quit.
Perhaps it wasn't what she wanted. Perhaps she found it less than satisfying. For whatever reason, it just wasn't what she found enjoyable and wanted to do.
My husband and I were devastated. It was what she picked to do. We did not tell her to do it.
She changed her mind. People often change their minds, especially women, who seem to do so more than men. Why are you and your spouse devastated? The direction of her life is ultimately her choice, and she needs time to discover what she wants most. It's her life and her choice – not yours. That's the goal of becoming an autonomous adult, and adolescence is part of the foundation for it. She will never be able to become a self-directed, responsible adult if you insist on dominating her.
We have gone to therapy together as a group but we are at the point now that we have backed off and are letting her figure things out.
It's good that family therapy sessions helped you realize that. Your daughter may have benefited from them, maybe more than you realize.
I want her to participate in things but she is very happy doing what she does.
So what is wrong with that? This is not about what "you" want, it's about her being able to discover and realize what "she" wants. If she is "happy", who are you to decide and dictate what she 'should' want in life?
I am a food stylist and photographer and she spends a lot of time baking and cooking for the family. Over x-mas break she read the All of the Lord of the Rings series plus the Hobbitt.
We also live in a very affluent high powered suburb where a ton of emphasis is on the kids accomplishments. I know this makes my daughter anxious.
In what you are describing it seems you are trying to "keep up with the Jonses". What is making your daughter anxious is not only the attitudes of your community, but also the additional pressure you are personally placing upon her to conform to your desires and in micro-managing her life. She can easily reject onerous societal pressures if you support her in putting that in perspective; but it's very tough on a child to be put in the position of having to deal with personal pressures imposed by his or her parents.
Thanks anyone for your input on this.