Hi Susan, I'm looking forward to reading your book. It is a subject I'm really passionate about. I was a corporate litigator for 6 years and I enjoyed my job – I am an introvert, but that wasn't a problem because the people I worked with (and the clients) knew that I would get the job done – albeit in a quiet, no-fuss way. Recently I have changed jobs. Within three months I was pulled aside and and the boss asked with genuine concern, "we are wondering when you might be ready to come out of your shell". I explained that I wasn't hiding, but that I was just a quieter personality than most people in the office. The response to this explanation was luke warm.

In the atmosphere of this job it seems that "productivity" is measured by the amount of talking, even if what you are saying makes no sense, is repetitive or is just space-filler. It is frustrating me no end. I hope there are a few of my collegues who are willing to read your book. Best of luck with your writing.

I know it can be frustrating, but you're okay being you. I would have handled "…out of your shell.." comment in this manner. "Boss, what do you mean exactly?" Do they perceive you as unfriendly, unproductive, aloof, or unimaginative etc? How is worker success measured in this firm, because you may not know for certain. Once you have clarified the criticism than and only than you should offer your explanation. "Sorry Boss, I am just a quiet person by nature but if I find a need to comment during a meeting believe me–I will. Most importantly I find you and my colleagues enjoyable to work with and want us to be successful." I believe most worker's tend towards extroversion so it is important that in one-on-one conversations you deflate their expectations of you as being like them in personality. Just like your previous job they will accept you as you overtime. It isn't a shell they see but the loud quiet that has them perturbed.

The need to make noise in my workplace is as bad as I imagine many other organizations to be. Recently I have begun to will myself to "not be of it." I am there to do specific work, and will do it to the best of my ability. I am no longer deluding myself that I can reach a higher level position, with compensation fair to my contribution.

I know what my skills are, the contributions I can make to an employer, and am on the job search now. Questions during the interview are going to be very extensive about how I will be managed. Something akin to "hands-off" has to be part of the reply. I expect to work with people who are bright and will help challenge me. But it has to be clear that when I'm left alone to work on a project, my best products are achieved and are the most appreciated by those who get to use them. (Sales metric reports) I cringe thinking of many of the reports that are distributed under my name that were developed in conjunction with others. Others to whom I had to dumb down, and/or with the goals to play into office politics. A right answer is a right answer no matter how it plays in the political arena.

Thank you for letting me vent!

Hi everyone,

I stumbled upon some news articles about introversion when I did an online search and found a review for this new book.

I see a lot of my own thoughts and experiences mirrored back to me in the comments left by others who identify as introverts.

I am well-rounded and educated and have a fair amount of experience. I work hard and people who I directly work with are usually pleased with the quality of what I produce. However, my career has been fairly stagnant and I often find myself feeling pressured to change my personality or be let go. In some circumstances I just chose to leave myself. Often the higher ups feel that I'm not being a team player or not pushing the organization into new areas, at least not visibly. I've watched some of my more flashy coworkers make major mistakes and charm themselves out of trouble, and I've watched others come in after me and then suddenly become my boss. I'm not trying to say that non-introverts are cunning or anything, it's just an observation I've noticed in some of the offices I've worked at in the past.

I worry that I won't be able to prove that I am a valuable employee, only the "shy" one who doesn't talk much. I'm searching for new opportunities at the moment and I've read so many articles recently about the importance of selling yourself and rubbing elbows with the right people. This just makes me more anxious.

Hi Lynn,

I think I'm in the same boat as you, I mean regarding being stagnant. I'm comfortable in my current position, although there is room for advancement, at least from a title standpoint. I like my job and feel content doing it, having done it for over 12 years. I've seen younger people come up the ranks, overtake me, and in some cases take on leadership roles, oftentimes without any substantive leadership skills. Their ability to toot their own horn and act as though they are actually doing something, while going from one useless meeting to the next, wearing their suits, is truly aggravating to watch. But not aggravating enough for me to give up what I do, to follow in their loud footsteps.

I've been lucky to have a niche in which I feel needed and don't have fear that I'll be let go, because I'm quite good at what I do, even though I don't draw much attention to myself. But there is societal pressure to climb the ladder, whether for good or bad. Once one reaches the top, then what jump off or climb down? I'd instead prefer to not climb. Hope you find a comfortable place for yourself.

Introverted doc

Quote from Lynn on Feb 11, 2012, 8:27am

Hi everyone,

I stumbled upon some news articles about introversion when I did an online search and found a review for this new book.

I see a lot of my own thoughts and experiences mirrored back to me in the comments left by others who identify as introverts.

I am well-rounded and educated and have a fair amount of experience. I work hard and people who I directly work with are usually pleased with the quality of what I produce. However, my career has been fairly stagnant and I often find myself feeling pressured to change my personality or be let go. In some circumstances I just chose to leave myself. Often the higher ups feel that I'm not being a team player or not pushing the organization into new areas, at least not visibly. I've watched some of my more flashy coworkers make major mistakes and charm themselves out of trouble, and I've watched others come in after me and then suddenly become my boss. I'm not trying to say that non-introverts are cunning or anything, it's just an observation I've noticed in some of the offices I've worked at in the past.

I worry that I won't be able to prove that I am a valuable employee, only the "shy" one who doesn't talk much. I'm searching for new opportunities at the moment and I've read so many articles recently about the importance of selling yourself and rubbing elbows with the right people. This just makes me more anxious.

Hi Lynn,

I'm very introverted and very highly sensitive, but I have come to see these qualities as giving me an advantage over those who are not. I'm also "on the wrong side of fifty" so I have been at this a long time and have learned to accept that I can't change my nature, but I can learn more effective coping skills. I'm also very analytical by nature. Often I can see what others can't – or at least realize where a problem lies, including with myself. Being introverted is "as much a blessing as a curse" – the trick is to cultivate the aspects of it that are advantageous.

I have been self-employed for most of my entire life, because at worst I might lose one customer rather than losing my entire job in hearing the words "you're fired". I provide a technical service for medical equipment, so I deal mostly with doctors, who's personalities run the range from arrogant to affable. I once did some work for a new client who had a minor problem. I resolved his problem quickly and easily so there was no problem with my skills or the result of my work. But I wasn't overly conversational with the client during that initial interaction, either. He never called me again, so I lost establishing an ongoing relationship of continued business. This gave me pause to consider why.

First, there is an expectation in the business world that being an aggressive salesperson increases sales and profits. It may not be proven true in the long run, but that is the perception. Widespread perceptions become cultural biases and produce societal expectations. Even if it is true, not all of us aspire to be salesmen or feel comfortable with aggrandizement or boosting ourselves. But we are all expected to act like salesmen to satisfy expectations in business relations. This has intensified in recent years due to the effects of global capitalism.

Again I recommend "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith as it provides a method for gaining assertiveness and improving social interaction. (You need not actually feel "guilty" to benefit from the method, regardless of the book's title.) One of the tenets of assertiveness is called providing "free information". Often introverts refrain from doing so, for many probable reasons. The method also teaches you how to invite criticism and respond to it effectively. This goes a long way in workplace dynamics and learning how to deal with your superiors as well as your peers.

In my case of the unimpressed client I didn't provide enough free information for him to feel confident about my being a better choice than my competition. I now try to do this, by 'reading' the client better and establishing greater rapport. I know there is no guarantee of success, but it increases the probability in my favor. A small minority of people are impossible to satisfy, just as there are some bosses who no one enjoys working for. However if you are constantly "moving on" you may not have the coping skills to remain or advance in your position. You don't need to engage in "constant casual chitchat and having to hang out after work all the time" nor do you need to become "super outgoing". But you do need to learn to become more assertive.

What Susan is saying in her book (and I am saying as well) is that although you will always be an introvert, you can learn skills that will make you appear more extroverted. Assertiveness training does teach that skill set, and the original method provided by Manuel Smith does it more effectively than any other book on assertiveness written since.

The "teamwork" concept is what is being thrown at me as my incompetency. The performance review praised my abilities (I passed all of my performance objects and know my job) but because I don't ask constantly, or correctly, or whatever way it is they want me to ask — a certain person if she needs help every day… then I am incompetent and not putting in enough effort for the team. My eval said, that I "put my job tasks and responsibilities before others…"

It sounds to me like they expect you to do the most of the work and carry the other team members and/or provide training for them. If you are only there to pull up the slack for slackers and incompetents on your team then you are allowing your superiors to exploit you. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

I was written up negatively for doing my job. During the interview, I was told that only one person gave their input. I support over 50 people. The comment was said that I needed to be "more warm." When I asked what that meant the response was, "You don't know what being warm is?" Sigh. No… I thought I was being warm… every time I made small talk and asked about someone's mother, or brother, or daughter, or aunt. Every time I asked how their kids were doing. Every time I e-mailed that they had a beautiful smile and what a great pic they took. Every project I did that tried to bring the entire building together by sending out projects showing pics of our group gatherings.

That's emotional manipulation. You allowed them to answer your question by their asking you another question, and that was done to intimidate you. And since you have no idea what they want, they manipulate you all the more. Ask your original question again and keep repeating it if necessary until you get a real answer as to what is expected of you. If their demands are unreasonable, say so.

Every time I do anything with initiative, they say I am taking the wrong initiative. Every time I hold back, I am reprimanded for not taking initiative. I am at a loss…

Every time they allow one person at work to scream at me, I panic. I live in hell at work. Oh… but I am smart enough to do the actual work and praised that I can do it.

No one at work should be screaming at you. Are you literally being screamed at or are you exaggerating? Actually the reason they continue to do it is because you permit it. That sort of incivility should be reported to the next highest level of authority in your workplace. There is no reason for you to tolerate it and you need to make it clear to those in higher authority that you aren't there to suffer abuse.

Get a copy of "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith and read it. Then practice the assertiveness skills it provides and start applying them in your workplace.

(I wrote:)

That's emotional manipulation. You allowed them to answer your question by their asking you another question, and that was done to intimidate you. And since you have no idea what they want, they manipulate you all the more.

I know. I've read the book Emotional Blackmail years ago and am quite familiar with the technique. I am in a position of no control though.

You say you read a book years ago. If you really want to help yourself now you will get Smith's book, read it and start practicing assertiveness skills. Assertiveness is actually a skill set that anyone can learn (or improve upon what they already know), but it requires practicing the skills to gain confidence. If you don't want to help yourself you will continue being a victim. You won't appreciate hearing this, but you put yourself in you current position of allowing others to intimidate and manipulate you. But only you can change the situation. You can't change their behavior, but you can change your response to it.

RD: No one at work should be screaming at you. Are you literally being screamed at

Yes. This last time it was so bad I ended up at the cardiologist with what was thought to be a heart attack at first.

RD: Actually the reason they continue to do it is because you permit it.

No. The administration allows it to continue. I have been told that they have a "level of trust" with the other person that they will never have with me because she has been there longer.

The administration may turn a blind eye to it, but you don't need to allow it to continue. Write a list of every possible thing imaginable you can do that will not allow it to continue. (Apparently you haven't thought about all the possible options.)

And do read Smith's book. It will help you to cope better with life in general and stop being a victim.

I, too, am "quiet," and I believe my inability (or unwillingness) to suck up to my co-workers and boss is why I was told I wasn't a "good fit for the organization," and lost my job. That was a CFO position in a small non-profit organization where I had done a good job for 4 years cleaning up the financial statements. I've been through several jobs, (quit on my own) and always told myself that I was there to do a job, not to socialize. But unfortunately, socializing IS the job when you're working with extroverts. They don't care how accurate the financial statements are, and in fact, they'd rather NOT have good financials so they can use that as an excuse for their inability to manage, and to hide their overspending.

I now have a part-time job, but while on unemployment was considering becoming a writer, thinking that would be something that would allow me to be judged on the product of my work rather than the ability to interact day-to-day with people. Is this true? Or just wishful thinking on my part?

I am listening to Susan's book, purchased from Audible.com, and Kathe Mazur does a wonderful job reading it.

In Pennsylvania, if you are let go for incompetence or any other reason that is not willful neglect or violence, you can collect unemployment. Make them get rid of you if you don't "fit in," and you will at least have a cushion of money to carry you over to your next job.

Quote from lmbliley on May 8, 2012, 7:53pm

I, too, am "quiet," and I believe my inability (or unwillingness) to suck up to my co-workers and boss is why I was told I wasn't a "good fit for the organization," and lost my job. That was a CFO position in a small non-profit organization where I had done a good job for 4 years cleaning up the financial statements. I've been through several jobs, (quit on my own) and always told myself that I was there to do a job, not to socialize. But unfortunately, socializing IS the job when you're working with extroverts. They don't care how accurate the financial statements are, and in fact, they'd rather NOT have good financials so they can use that as an excuse for their inability to manage, and to hide their overspending.

See my previous post about "Help wanted: only suck-ups need apply".

I now have a part-time job, but while on unemployment was considering becoming a writer, thinking that would be something that would allow me to be judged on the product of my work rather than the ability to interact day-to-day with people. Is this true? Or just wishful thinking on my part?

Unless you are writing a best seller (like Susan or Dr. Manuel Smith did) writing is nearly always a financially unrewarding profession. Frankly it has little or nothing to do with the product or quality of your work and everything to do with whether it is mass-marketable (salable).

Quote from Keeottlady on Jun 23, 2012, 10:53pm

Hi. I've just joined the list, but have read most of the "work" forum material. I've got a problem because, even though I'm a librarian, and people often still think of librarianship as being a "quiet" job, it really isn't. Right now I've got to plan our fall (September through December) activities for kids and teens, and am constantly finding it hard to get them to come to events – especially the teens. As a youth services librarian in a public library in a blue-collar suburb in the midwest, I love recommending books and helping people find answers to reference questions, but it seems there's less and less call to do this (I say this after having worked in various libraries for ten years). The library profession is re-examining itself right now, as all professions must in our changing society.

Let's see if I understand your situation correctly, and please correct me if I am mistaken.

You aspired to be a librarian, and you have been a competent one for ten years.

Recently your job description and vocation has been hijacked. Your administrators want you to take on the role of being a social worker, entertainer and other unrelated skills.

You are now expected to be a social director as your primary role, rather than facilitate education, making information and learning available for those who seek it.

How can I get more comfortable reaching out to teens – or, in fact, even find out HOW to reach out to them? I need to develop some programs within the week, and my boss has mentioned to me that one of our library board-members expressed concern about the lack of teen turn-out at our programs.

The "reaching out" cliche is nothing more than an administrative buzzword phrase to brainwash employees. Your administrators are your bosses. It was not originally in your job description to design programs to keep children and their taxpaying parents (AKA the library patrons) entertained, interested and bribed with snack food. That's the job of your bosses to design such programs, and they are paid handsomely to do that. Go to them for suggestions. Actually, politely insist that they tell you exactly what they want you to do. Follow their suggestions to the letter. Be a good soldier and follow their orders with out complaint. If their suggestions (actually their commands) don't work, then it's ultimately their problem, not yours! And if what they tell you to do doesn't work, put it squarely back in their laps: namely, hold them responsible for doing that which is essentially their job.

(My boss suggested to me that I emphasize informal book-discussions with the teens – the kind where we sit around and chat and have some snacks, which sounds good to me, and that I continue to be persistent with the school-district administration to allow me to publicize to the schools.

So you started off as a librarian, and now you are expected to be a school district liaison and a PR person? All for a librarian's salary? If you were to succeed in effecting all those additional demands, why aren't you being compensated for those additional skills? Those roles are your bosses responsibilities, not yours. Don't let them intimidate you into thinking those things are your responsibility.

I'm comfortable doing that, and also will be talking to my boss this week about starting a blog on our webpage, since I think teens are more apt to follow that than newspapers and cable T.V. for announcements of library happenings.) But as for going where the teens hang out, and seeking them out in large groups, I feel awkward doing that.

So do you want to add social worker to your list of duties? Can you set any limits? Can you ever (politely but firmly) say "NO", that's not what I was hired to do here?

Never even felt comfortable doing that when I was a teen myself, and would probably feel even less so now that I'm middle-aged. I want to reach them and turn them on to creative thinking and reading for the adventure of reading, but can't relate to just pure entertainment very well, or to hanging out in large groups. Anyone got any advice?

There's an old saying: "you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" (And there's also the more vulgar version that you can bring a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.) Sadly the trend is for libraries now to be community centers, pre-school playgrounds and social outreach programs. The point is that your bosses want to you flatter, socialize, wheedle, cajole, entertain the masses, "all for the children", etc., etc. – but none of that has anything to do with library science (librarianship). Your job has been hijacked by a politically oriented, authoritarian system – meaning there is an administration with bosses who want to pass the buck and muscle their underlings. You are now expected to do everything but mop the floor. Pretty soon they may expect that of you as well, if you let them. And if you acquiesce to that, that too will become the expectation, with the implication that you might lose your job if you don't do it. It's no wonder that you don't like your work…

I feel I need to show results here, especially since I struggle with crowds when at the circulation desk (we all share in circulation duties). I could shine in reference and collection-development, but I feel like these are becoming less important and taking a backseat in public libraries everywhere, to marketing ourselves as a "fun" place, which is a cause I believe in – it's just that reading and analyzing is MY idea of fun, so I don't know if the teens and I will relate to one-another if they prefer more action-oriented fun, like partying and football. Anyone got any ideas or advice?

You need to ask yourself how badly you need this job as opposed to whether you want to continue with it or not. Is it worth it? Do you want to continue to be unhappy with this job interminably?

You mentioned that you are working in Metro Detroit. That's a really crappy place to be, in more ways than one. You are expected to do all sorts of things that are not part of your vocation or training. I suggest that you find another position elsewhere that doesn't place such demands upon you. Short of that, if you choose to stay there for whatever reason, tell your bosses to give you specific orders as to what their demands are, and soldier up to it, placing all responsibility back upon them for success or failure after you have carried their ideas (suggestions, actually commands) out to the letter. They can't fire you for doing exactly what you have been told to do.

*****

Here's a very astute line from an old movie dialog, involving a mother and a daughter:

daughter: "I want you to tell me where to go."

mother: "Use your own judgment."

daughter: No, I want you to tell me where to go."

(The daughter was not taken in by the ploy. She was assertive.)

*****

If your bosses want to be boss over you, hold them responsible for any results stemming from them directing you. That's what they are getting paid for, and they are being paid considerably more than you are. Hold their feet to the fire and make them earn their positions of authority.

Thanks, Red Dog, for your advice about how to approach my library job, which has extended into being an entertainer, liason, PR person, etc. However, I don't think these new roles are just the whims of my superiors – I see it all over the profession: In fact the title of the Michigan Library Association Annual Conference this year is going to be

Loud Librarians – Defining Ourselves and Our Profession

It's basically about showing that we are a lot more than warehouses for books. I myself believe in this wholeheartedly – that we need to assert our continuing relevance in this age in which information is much easier to obtain on one's own than it used to be. I think we need to assert that we add value to information by helping people analyze and evaluate it. But, at the risk of sounding politically incorrect, I do serve an area with low educational achievement levels, but where people have for a long time been used to making a comfortable living in assembly line jobs that only required a high school diploma. Therefore there's the "pressure" that if we're going to remain relevant in our communities, and especially for teens, we need to be "cool" and "fun" places to be. The trouble is I think critical thinking is more fun, and don't relate well to pure recreation. But I think this pressure is in reaction to community and popular desires, rather than being "top-down" from administration. Indeed, if anything, I find I'm having to try to nudge my superiors to recognize these expanding roles of libraries. At the same time, I want to be about books and interpreting information – the things I do best, and I am nervous about recruiting teens – that they're going to be rude, etc. Not to stereotype teens – we all were teens ourselves once, and generally couldn't wait to get past this life-stage because of their rude behavior. But now as an adult I have more pressure than ever not to be intimidated by teen behavior – but the truth is I still am sometimes.