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shockedFri, 06 Dec 2013 05:50:46 +0000I've known for some time that I am INFJ and very I. Reading Susan's book is helping me understand and assimilate a lot of the introverted aspects of myself that I have repeatedly been told are wrong.
This whole process is fascinating and liberating for me and I am blessed to have the support of a wonderful extroverted husband.
However, I am both shocked and disappointed to have been informed by a fellow Christian that "God doesn't like Lone Rangers". So shocked in fact that I was rendered speechless. Since then I have had many conversations with this chap in my mind, some angry and defensive and destructive, some reasonable and gentle. It has made me realise though, that I would like to have some ready responses for moments like these, so that when I feel judged or attacked I don't have to remain with those feelings.
Anyone else have similar experiences?http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=342.0#postid-992&guid=992
Re: Alone time needed in marriage?Thu, 05 Dec 2013 18:19:00 +0000<blockquote><strong>Quote from hoodleehoo on Dec 5, 2013, 11:28am</strong>
I'm about to be engaged and I'm finding out that as an introvert I need to have a couple of days of alone time in my apt a week or I get really irritable and feel almost claustrophobic and start pushing her away. I'm concerned about marriage. How can that work? Obviously I can't have a separate apt that I hide out in a couple days a week.
"A couple of days of alone time"? It sounds like something is troubling you but it is not caused by introversion. You need to find out the underlying cause of your irritability. I'd recommend that you not become engaged or married until you work out whatever the problem is in the relationship. Counseling or therapy may help, either individually and/or as a couple.
Alone time needed in marriage?Thu, 05 Dec 2013 11:28:31 +0000I'm about to be engaged and I'm finding out that as an introvert I need to have a couple of days of alone time in my apt a week or I get really irritable and feel almost claustrophobic and start pushing her away.
I'm concerned about marriage. How can that work? Obviously I can't have a separate apt that I hide out in a couple days a week.
Re: Dealing with Aggressive Adult Friends as an IntrovertWed, 04 Dec 2013 01:53:38 +0000I used to run a forum for people who had been through abuse. It was a minefield, and I was very inexperienced. I had a number of people helping me run the board, and one woman I made friends with online, and in whom I put far too much trust, offered to help and I just gave her exactly what she wanted.
This woman ended up destroying the board. She was manipulative, a liar in too many ways to count and aggressive and completely egocentric. Her behaviour bordered on psychopathic. I have since discussed the situation with others who run boards. This situation is very common. Predators stalk forums and install themselves as regular board members and end up intimidating, bulling, manipulating and undermining anyone they see as a threat. In the end they become the unofficial administrators since many of the board members end up looking to them for help and direction instead of the actual board administrator
I don't know whether introverts are more likely to make these mistakes, or whether there are other contributing factors but I think what has happened to you is not uncommon and an unfortunate side effect of forum communication. I discovered a really good explanation of the difference between trolls and bullies which I hope will be as helpful to you as it was me.
Here is the link:
Subarctic survival story - out thinking your team Sat, 30 Nov 2013 16:35:22 +0000I read the story about the Quebec Subarctic Survival Situation. (Page 49 of the Australian edition).
It was 1992. I joined a new organisation after finishing an MBA in New Zealand. Perhaps having come from Canada I felt some empathy for a workshop team building exercise.....the Subarctic Survival Situation.
We did this individually.
The first decision was to decide whether it is better to stay and wait for help or walk out.
We then did it as a team. I agree with the team until about item 10 of 15. I suggested that they were no inconsistent with their strategy of staying and waiting for help.
It was clear that I was being a poor team person.
I compromised my results for the team.
When we took up the exercise, it turned out that I was right.
As with he story in the book, I outscored the team.
The facilitator did not know how to deal with this.
In the end I was wrong twice ...
I was wrong for arguing against the group.
I was wrong for being right and out scoring the group.
I am seeing a lot of connections in this book.
introvert teacherWed, 27 Nov 2013 08:55:35 +0000Hi guys
What advice would you give to an undergraduate who is studying to become a secondary school mathematics teacher?
Would starting off in one-on-one private tuition, then gradually increasing the class size as confidence increases be a good strategy?
Im also doing Toastmasters as well to improve my self-confidence.http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=321.0#postid-986&guid=986
Re: datingTue, 26 Nov 2013 23:57:04 +0000<blockquote><strong>Quote from piano_dude24 on Nov 26, 2013, 8:40pm</strong>
So true, very much so. I have issues with dating and I have not yet read anything about dating knowing from this post there will not be. So it would be great to give us through maybe a second installment of "Quiet, how ways for Introverts to master the dating world." this Post was a great Idea. </blockquote>
It sounds like you have issues with lack of social skills. No one is born with them. We all lack such skills until we learn them - and they are easily modeled and learned.
I have said many times in this forum that most who are seeking advice here think that their problems in coping with other people or relating to them are due to having an introverted nature. Being introverted is <em>not</em> a problem, nor is it a deficiency. But a lack of assertiveness or lack of having adequate coping skills or social skills to deal with people IS a problem and is a separate issue, as it is the cause of most people's problems in our human interactions.
Susan's book helps you to understand your innate nature as an introvert. For many, that is an essential first step, the realization that there is nothing wrong with you being an introvert. Unfortunately her book can't provide you with the essential skills to cope with people with whom you find yourself in challenging situations (such as dating or in job interviews). All these aspects of learning such skills come under the heading of assertiveness.
I continue to recommend the best book ever written on the topic of how to become assertive. It is <em>When I Say No I feel Guilty</em> by Manuel Smith, PhD. The book was a huge bestseller when it was published in 1975. Smith is a behavioral psychologist who has written about assertiveness training and desensitization of phobias. His methods are highly effective. It presents several easy to learn concepts that are universally applicable in responding to challenging situations. The book is easy for anyone to read, learn and practice the few skills that are essential.
There is a chapter in his book on "free infomation" that was written to model how to utilize conversational skills, specifically relating to dating and similar situations.
Buy Dr. Smith's book and apply his method. Once you become an assertive introvert you truly will feel confident, and perhaps even feel "powerful". ;-)
Introverts VS. Interviewing Tue, 26 Nov 2013 20:55:53 +0000I have to say for an Introvert Selling yourself for a job interview is like Walking across a carpet of nails. I been through many interviews that I can't count anymore and it ends up finding myself in a part time job barely getting by with the bills and rent to the point you got to go back and live with your parents. I need help with interviews and how to get past the personality quizzes because most of them are rig to that when you lie to make it you are fit for the job and they know on how you fill them in you are not qualified or when you tell the truth and fill in what comes to be truthful but not what they are looking for you are not qualified as well. I found that I was trying to get a retail job in a Interior Design company, La-z-boy and Even's Furniture I failed three times. I am asking anyone any tips on how to master the Interview knowing you are so over qualified for the job but because you did not sell your self the right way you are not what they are looking for. I just don't desire to work and in a job I don't really like but if it pays the bill that what I focus on. I want to love the job. Please help. http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=321.0#postid-984&guid=984
Re: datingTue, 26 Nov 2013 20:40:00 +0000So true, very much so. I have issues with dating and I have not yet read anything about dating knowing from this post there will not be. So it would be great to give us through maybe a second installment of "Quiet, how ways for Introverts to master the dating world." this Post was a great Idea. http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=86.0#postid-983&guid=983
Re: True colours career quizTue, 26 Nov 2013 19:46:14 +0000That was a great accurate Quiz, I am a primary Thinker, anything that goes with researching, analyzing,problem solving, or dealing with a computer. I got a BA in Interior Design that will help in many ways. thanks for sharing the website with us. http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=338.0#postid-982&guid=982
Working as a Busboy/Dishwasher Tue, 26 Nov 2013 17:09:19 +0000Little about my job, first off I work at a restaurant that is known in my town the place to go to get a home cook meal, descent if you are 60 to 70 on up. A place you call home if you were an Extrovert. People come, they sit awhile, they drink their coffee one at first then to five, sitting and gabbing or, as I call it, gossiping of what goes on in their lives. If you ever watch the Desperate House Wives, well At my work we got the Desperate House Husbands, and the topics are wild, to put it on a nicer look. I walk around I find that there are a lot of diversity, in wealth or in the numbers of members in a family, they all come and do nothing but eat and talk.
Now you know my work, I have taken the quiet quiz and guessed already right I am an Introvert, seldom, reserve, and with one look to be shy, or what I call it unsociable. I find if I stop to talk I loose focus and start to slide off from my main taste, so I walk on and start to ignore the small talk that comes from the front bar, people say hello and I acknowledge but I still walk on. every time I go to work I fill I walked into a nightmare, full of commotion and a lot of socializing.
I first quickly observe who is working and when I work next on the schedule, but it's quick I go to the back to get ready for the day to come. When I am working and when it is time to get the tubs full of dishes, here comes the nightmare, I bend over to grab the tub, and here and behold, "Hello Mattie how is it going?" well first off I have a nickname, something I wish never happened, my name is Matt or Matthew is what I wish they would say. But what comes as a rely is, "doing fine." and walk off. Well out first you would think how rude, just fine how is it going, details if you are an Extrovert, but looking at 12 full tubs of dishes is enough to be a nightmare what can be worst than that, small talk that ends in 15 to 30 minutes of talking that comes after. "I can't afford this, I got 12 tubs of dishes here and I barely started work, they don't pay me to talk that what the hostess is for." That why I am not a host.
Now you know my day or what is the start of the day. I find it is better when the restaurant is slow less noise more work, but I find that if it was less customers or more customer there is still so much talking. from the waitresses, to the cooks I get the same thing. I find that my place that I work where I wash the dishes was built for me and my kind. A 4 metal tables with upper shelves at head level around me is my little quiet cubical at work my quiet place my sanctuary, my happy place with my instrumental music as my background and the dishes as my friends I am one happy guy. This is where I make myself at home at work, my alone time where I can imagine I am somewhere else, my place to recharge when I have to go out into the jungle and listen to clucking birds and the barbaric apes, to rescue my friends (dishes) from this nightmare of a world.
Well I just gave you my life at work so I hoped you enjoyed it, for being an Introvert it has its challenges but being who I am is what matters the most. I am music inclined, I play the piano, and I have a BA in Interior Design. I find that I can't get my dream job right now but I wish someday I will, having my own cubical my office to say my second safe place, doing what I do best Imagining and creating.
Thank you for reading I hope you like it. http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=337.0#postid-981&guid=981
Fiction starring introverts?Tue, 26 Nov 2013 13:33:29 +0000Hi everyone,
I'd wager that for many of us, some of the most satisfying parts of Quiet were the stories that had us nodding and thinking, "Exactly! This is me! She <em>gets</em> it!"
I would love to hear your suggestions for contemporary fiction titles or light-hearted memoirs that examine the frustratrations of being an introvert today.
Right now, I am reading a wonderful young adult book called <em>The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian</em> by Sherman Alexie. It's not about an introvert, but it has that cathartic quality that I love so much -- where the narrator deals with weighty subjects like poverty and alcoholism, but confronts them with such frankness and genuinesness and humor that the effect is uplifting. I'd love to read books that do the same thing for the many situations introverts find themselves in in the workplace, at parties, etc.
Thanks in advance for your ideas!http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=336.0#postid-980&guid=980
Introversion: Assignment helpMon, 25 Nov 2013 08:43:32 +0000Hi everyone,
Could you help me by answering the following questions please?
1) What are the advantages of being an introvert?
2) What are the disadvantages of being an introvert?
3) What are an introvert's reactions when being pushed to the limit (ex: in social situations)?
Thanks in advance :)http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=335.0#postid-979&guid=979
Re: These bizarre timesMon, 25 Nov 2013 00:25:46 +0000I'm 56 years old, and as mentioned, am aware that great upheaval has happened in the past. Also, I'm not talking about political pressure groups, I'm talking about something beyond that - concerned, empathetic people who don't want to see the world go up in smoke, and would like to be able to know about and (if possible) rely on each other if things do take a downward turn. You know - heed-takers. Yes, trouble passes, but history shows us that countries also pass, civilizations also pass, especially ones like ours that often act like they're the invincible center of the universe. We made it through all those upheavals in the past, and that's inspiring and heartening, but that's no guarantee the country will survive forever. There was no guarantee we were going to get through the depression/Cold War/etc. either. The United States is long overdue for big changes, and there are numerous positive signs in that direction. I'd like to see that change happen with as little bloodshed as possible, without a return to barbarism and millions of little separate compounds ruled by the gun. Pie-in-the-sky maybe, but it feels important to me. Kinda vague, yes, that too - it's all I've got at the moment. I've done plenty of work on myself and will continue to do so, but this feels like a job that's going to need a group effort.http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=335.0#postid-978&guid=978
Re: These bizarre timesSun, 24 Nov 2013 21:46:07 +0000<blockquote><strong>Quote from niluvian on Nov 24, 2013, 4:06pm</strong>
I'd like to share a concern/fear I (and many others) are having right now. We're in the midst of some very strange times, and there's a lot of talk about possible societal breakdown. I know this country has been through a great number of hard shakeups in the past and made it through and I know that the news is not all bad and it's often easier but more harmful to focus on what's wrong. What I very much want to be is involved in adding my energy to groups that are doing what they can to stave the breakdown off, or, if unsuccessful, doing what they can to maintain as much peace and order as possible, resisting the impulses to drop into savagery. </blockquote>
Anyone who is young and has never seen societal upheaval before might be overly concerned with the current state of the world.
To which I say: "This too shall pass."
Instead of devoting your energy to political pressure groups, you might want to consider and reflect upon these words: <em>If you want to change the world, <strong>begin with yourself</strong></em>.http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=335.0#postid-977&guid=977
These bizarre timesSun, 24 Nov 2013 16:06:07 +0000I'd like to share a concern/fear I (and many others) are having right now. We're in the midst of some very strange times, and there's a lot of talk about possible societal breakdown. I know this country has been through a great number of hard shakeups in the past and made it through and I know that the news is not all bad and it's often easier but more harmful to focus on what's wrong. What I very much want to be is involved in adding my energy to groups that are doing what they can to stave the breakdown off, or, if unsuccessful, doing what they can to maintain as much peace and order as possible, resisting the impulses to drop into savagery. A fair number of people seem to be talking about how the fall of the government would be more of an "opportunity," but since they're the same ones stocking up on as many guns as possible I can't really see their point. How much of our humanity are we truly willing to either kill or bury so deep it amounts to the same thing in order to survive? Do we introverts even have a place in such a world? And are there already websites out there formed by groups dedicated to maintaining our humanity as much as possible should such a thing come to pass?http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=332.0#postid-976&guid=976
Re: the college admissions processSun, 17 Nov 2013 16:24:57 +0000 Perhaps another way to approach this is to help the introverted high school student identify what he/she enjoys the most. Is it writing? Could she find some volunteer work on a non-profit newsletter? Is it theater? Could he find responsibility in tech work or as an actor at school or even community theater? Is it science? Could she get to know scientists at a local college and see if there are ways she can observe their research or even participate? Is it the classics? Maybe he could volunteer at the library or museum; maybe there is a way to help in archiving data etc. I think the point that colleges are looking for leaders is more complicated. I think rather they are looking for students who have followed their interests beyond what is traditionally offered in a high school setting. Of course the introverted student may need some support making outside connections but once they are involved in what they love they are hooked. That's when college admission officers are interested - when students can describe their involvement with enthusiasm. http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=334.0#postid-975&guid=975
Re: I need to be more energetic, pushier, and more encouraging.Fri, 08 Nov 2013 13:58:10 +0000It's a bit complicated to explain, but I'm closer to a tutor than a teacher. I train cognitive skills.http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=152.0#postid-974&guid=974
Re: Damn: My neighbor wants to talk......Thu, 07 Nov 2013 22:39:16 +0000<blockquote><strong>Quote from 1stepbeyond on Nov 7, 2013, 9:51pm</strong>
Are we a messed up bunch or what? I mean, a lot of us complain about having difficulty making friends yet we do the very things that makes people <em>not</em> want to be our friends. We push them away by giving short answers to discourage them from wanting to converse with us. We can't have it both ways unfortunately.
I'm no different from you people in the sense that there are many times when I wish that I was invisible to others or that people would just simply leave me alone. I still routinely do things to avoid spending time talking to others when I don't want to - and I feel bad about it.</blockquote>
You may have just revealed your problem - that you "feel bad about it". That's a form of guilt.
I feel no need to be accepted or liked. I'm introverted - but I never feel bad about it and I don't think I'm "messed up". I usually don't initiate conversation because I usually don't get anything out of it. In behavioral terms there is no reward or payoff for my conversing with someone if there is no benefit in it. However, I can be polite enough to be sociable if it is expected or necessary. Admittedly I am aloof, but I am not anti-social and I do have the social skills necessary to carry on a conversation if need be. That's different than having a lack of assertiveness and social skills and feeling discomfort due to it.
<blockquote>However, I disagree with the notion that people are intentionally being nosy by asking us questions about us and our lives. Those questions are the basis from which people can keep a conversation going and most of us lack the skill. That's what makes us so lame at social intercourse.</blockquote>
Therein lies the important difference. Yes, some people actually ARE nosy (forward, aggressive, pushy, etc.). Some others are merely curious or seeking social intercourse. If you are sensitive or intuitive, you might be able to tell the difference and respond accordingly. Whether you want to reveal details of your life to anyone depends upon how you perceive their intent.
A while ago I stumbled upon a website that touted the F.O.R.D. principal(ask about Family/Occupation/Recreation/Dreams) for making small talk easier. That's exactly what our extrovert neighbours are doing to try to get to know us better. We in turn shut them down...</blockquote>
Smith (in <em>When I Say No I feel Guilty</em>) refers to this concept as providing "free information" which he offers as a primer of teaching basic conversational skills. Most introverts seeking advice on this list are lacking in assertiveness; developing adequate social skills such as being able to handle 'small talk' and provide 'free information' is one aspect of being assertive.http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/forum/?vasthtmlaction=viewtopic&t=334.0#postid-973&guid=973
Re: I need to be more energetic, pushier, and more encouraging.Thu, 07 Nov 2013 22:03:58 +0000It is perplexing that you refer to your "students" and your "boss". What is your occupation? Are you a teacher?